Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Center of it All IX

I looked at the screen. The desktop was empty, except for two folders. For Tuli, said the first; Financial Info was the label under the second. I immediately clicked on the For Tuli folder, and opened up the folder. There was a single file inside, a Word document Named Tuli.

I opened up the file, wondering what Yoni had to say to me, that he hadn’t bothered saying for the past two decades.

I opened it up, and began to read the letter.

Dear Tuli,

Things have been crazy, man, absolutely freaking crazy. The voices are back. They torment me and drag me down and you are the only one who knows about them. You were there and I saved you but you know what it was about.

I’m out of control, but in total control, and I need you to know that what happened that day is not even the worst thing. Because what I did was worse, but you don’t even know anything about it.

But I am flying, just freaking flying and there are times when I sit down and point the glock towards my chest but its not time yet, not time for me to go. But if you are reading this, maybe I did it. Maybe this is my suicide note. My final goodbye.

Maybe not. I’m not ready to die, but you need to kow that I am dying. Inside. You don’t know about it because I have effectively shut you out of my life for the last long time, I don’t even know how long it has been since you gave me two packs of smokes and told me to keep in touch and I went on the bus and never looked back. Not at you. Not at my old life. It was just plow ahead.

And I have done great, out here. Greater than you can imagine. You might have done well in your life, but at the end of the day, when we tally up the checkbooks, I am the one with the grand prize coming 0out of my account. Millions of dollars man, and I did it legal and I did it my way without ever having a desk job or anything.

Does it feel like I’m yelling at you. I don’t know if I am I am just crying out in pain it hurts so bad and you are the only one who has ever known anything about it even though I kept you in the dark for a long time. The voices are telling me to do it and I don’t want to but I know they will win in the end. But sometimes I feel stronger than they are and I can beat the voices back. They were there and you were there and a few other people were at the house and it was really bad. I don’t only hear voices. It hurts the toe. Does yours ever hurt.

I made movies and did character voices and had the world in my hands and got great paying gis and then the hospital fucked up and ruined my life and I got AIDS because some bitch ass nurse went and gave me the wrong blood and they said it had never happened before but when I sued them I found out it had happened before and the hospital paid me millions of dollars plus what I had been earning but it is killing me and it was not worth it I didn’t need the money from the hospital, I needed my life back. But they stole that from me and gave me a shitload of money that I can’t use even if I wanted to and then the voices come back and its dark and scary do you remember? Of course you do you were there in the house with me in the other room that we pretended never happened. It did happen, and it happens to me every night in my room when I go to sleep I hear that voice and I see the knife and wake up screaming in pain.

I don’t know how you stay sane if that had happened to me I would have killed myself years ago and never even thought twice about it. I would have just left a note and jumped down. Through the tunnel toward the light or the fires of hell I don’t know how that could be worse than what I am feeling right now.

But I know if you are ever reading this its because I’m dead and I am the only person who knows the secret except for you so now you know your secret is in your control I never told no one anything about it so it is all on you. That day, we should have never gone back and I hate myself for pushing you to go back that day.

And there are a few things I need you to take care of for me I know you are probably throwing up reading this letter and me bringing all this old shit back but you know sometimes your head is going to explode and you just need to let it all get out. And that’s what I’m doing to you and I’m sorry man, but that’s the way it is sometimes. Man if I could I would go back in time and make everything right and you know that’s what I would do, and I can go back and make things right, some things you don’t know about I don’t know if you remember but there was this girl named Gila that I used to see back in the day and I never told you this because I promised her I wouldn’t but the summer after we went to Israel me and gila were fooling around you remember her, but the really great tits and had been going out with a few other girls like franny then but I really liked gila also and we were fooling around and drinking a little or maybe smoking some weed or maybe we were pretending to get high so that we could screw and we did and then the condom I thought I had wasn’t there and I told her I had one but she saw I didn’t but said lets do it anyway and so we did and as you can guess by this whole story she got pregnant and I wasn’t ready to stop my ways and be with her so we got in a fight and I broke up with her and her family kicked her out and I heard from as friend of a friend that she moved out of her house and moved to some slum or something and had a baby girl which means I have a daughter and I never did right by her before and like I said I am totally loaded and you are the only person I know I can trust forever because of that day, so I am making you executor of my estate and you have to find the girl and give her my money and take a nice percentage for yourself, like 28% it should be a lot of money I just cant do math right now and I am never paying the fucking hospital any money for my treatment because it was a hospital that made me this way.

So don’t pay those hospital bitches, tell them I got no money and take the money and find this gila chick and find out what happened to my daughter and give her all my money except what you deserve.

I wish this didn’t end this way but the voices are getting louder and louder and they are coming back with the knife so I am writing faster and faster and faster and faster the worst is the voice. I can still picture it still hear every word he said and I can do voices and I can imitate it perfectly and sometimes when the voice isn’t there I crave hearing the voice because I am feeling to good I talk to the voice in its own voice and it comes back and there is always the knife and I don’t know what is going on with you at all, but if you’re anywhere near as bad fucked up about this as I am you should get some help, like serious help with a shrink and lots of drugs to keep your nerves down

I love you man


I started at the screen, speechless, and started to cry.

The preceding story is fiction. You can find the rest of Center of it All on this blog.

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    4:55 PM  
    Blogger Shmuly Shmulovitz said...


    8:38 PM  
    Blogger Just Shu said...

    is the house in thius letter the old Smithson house?

    12:57 PM  
    Blogger Air Time said...

    You'll have to wait and find out

    1:32 PM  
    Blogger AMSHINOVER said...

    im scared

    2:22 PM  
    Blogger Air Time said...

    Don't be scared Amshi - I just write what the voices in my head tell me to.

    2:52 PM  
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    Blogger Still Wonderin' said...

    that's the stuff buddy!!!!

    10:20 PM  
    Blogger Krunk said...

    Wow....and I know where Gila is in case anybody was wondering...she was this really nice clerk at Tappers for some time until she left for some reason....But seriously,this is some great stuff Air!

    1:03 AM  
    Blogger da shevster said...

    hey i get it- the guys name is tuli!!!!

    9:46 PM  
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    it's hard for me to wait so long, i need to know.

    11:18 PM  
    Blogger AMSHINOVER said...


    2:52 PM  
    Blogger Veev said...

    No wonder the Leben made me throw up on the plane. It stems from these stories.

    10:01 AM  
    Blogger AMSHINOVER said...

    Veev threw up on the plane? more airs coming!?!?!?!

    4:53 PM  
    Blogger Veev said...

    No, just a bumpy ride and too many Lebens. Bad combo.

    10:08 PM  

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