Tuesday, August 02, 2005

Jack was still in Nevernever Land when he felt something burning on his chest. He looked down, and saw steaming black coffee all over his shirt. An upside coffee cup in Sharon’s arm seemed to be the problem.

“You are an ass, Sharon said to him. “A perfect male ass.”

“Did you just pour coffee on me,” he asked, barely feeling it through the layers of fat that protected his nerve endings.

“That poor girl came in here to manipulate the case,” Sharon continued, ignoring his protest. “You couldn’t stop staring at her ears. And I have news for you, Mr. Jack Kay famous lawyer. Those ears aren’t natural. They’re fakes.”

Jack wasn’t sure if he was angrier about the coffee or the allegation about her perfect ear lobes. He tried to ignore the coffee, which was flowing down the large rolls of fat underneath his shirt. He hoped it would cool off before it made it too far down his body.

“MaryAnn Maxwell does not have fake ear lobes. And she did not come here to manipulate this case. She came to talk about a settlement.”

“Then why did she invite you to her place at ten PM tonight,” Sharon asked. “What kind of settlement is she looking for?”

“She invited me over,” Jack stammered. “Did she leave an address?”

Sharon rolled her eyes, and gave him the address.

“Julie,” Jack yelled, “Call my wife and tell her I have a late client meeting and won’t be home until very late tonight.”

He looked at Sharon. “I should fire you,” he said.

“Who will serve you coffee if you do?” Sharon answered sweetly.

Jack knew when he was beat. “Get out of here. And bring me a new cup of coffee.”


At precisely 10 PM, Jack Kay was standing in front of MaryAnn Maxwell’s building. He had arrived twenty minutes earlier, as he knew how long it would take him to shimmy his way out of the car, and catch his breath.

Now, he stared at the door, fantasizing about what stood on the other side. The most perfect earlobes the world had ever seen. And he, a short, fat bald man, was minutes away from pleasuring those beauties.

He knocked on the door, and instantly, it was opened.

She was wearing a sheer red satin robe, with black trim, that seemed to illuminate her body. But Jack didn’t even notice. His eyes were glued on the side of her head. At the strange earmuffs she was wearing.

“Do we have a deal, Mr. Kay,” MaryAnn asked. “A night with me for the case?”

Jack wished he could say no. He wished he could tell her to go to hell, but this was MaryAnn Maxwell, and he was powerless against her bidding.

“Of course,” he mumbled.

He stepped toward her and tried to reach up to her head, but she caught his hand and led him inside, to the living room couch. Drinks were already prepared. Scotch on the rocks for her, black coffee for him.

“I talked to Sharon in your office. She said you would only drink coffee while you were working.”

Jack was glad. He rarely drank anything other than coffee, and was glad to have his comfort food, to witness his glorious moment with MaryAnn Maxwell.

“From now on, whenever I drink coffee, I will think of you, MaryAnn Maxwell,” he said.

And from now on, she thought, I will try not to throw up when I drink scotch and think of you, you fat disgusted bald man.

They drank their drinks and made small talk, before she led him up the spiral staircase, to the bedroom. While they were sitting on the couch, he tried to move over and touch her ears, to remove the earmuffs that she wore.

They reached her room. Her robe dropped on the floor. She wore nothing but the earmuffs.

“Aren’t you forgetting something,” he asked, looking at the earmuffs as he undressed.

“My ear lobes are my life. You cannot touch them.”

“But I need to. All day I have been dreaming about putting them between my lips and teasing them with my teeth.”

“Do you think I want you to eat my ear lobes? You are a very fat man. You might eat them.”

“I would take most gentle care of them, MaryAnn. I have spent a lifetime dreaming about ear lobes like yours.”
“That is not part of the deal,” she told him. “You may take me, but you must not touch my ears.” She looked at him, and was sickened. Rolls of fat. And bad body odor. But it was for a good cause she thought. Money.

“No ears,” Jack said, “No deal.”

They negotiated for a few minutes before they came to an arrangement. Jack would have full access to her entire body, except her ears. If he proved himself gentle and worthy, he could suck on each ear for one minute.

Jack tried to be as gentle as possible, and six minutes later, he had his ears access pass granted as well.

He took her earmuffs off, and saw the most beautiful earlobes he had ever seen. And for so seconds, they would be all his. He took one on his mouth, and wished he could hold the other one in his hand, but he knew the deal. Tongue and lips only. No fingers.

The earlobe looked perfect, but it felt stiff and unwieldy in his mouth.

“Are these real,” he asked.

“Get out,” she screamed. She pushed him, and he fell backward, rolled over like a bowling ball, and crashed into the wall.

She was screaming at him, but all he could feel was a sharp pain in his chest. He thought about MaryAnn Maxwell’s earlobes, and smiled. A minute later, he was dead.


It is always complicated to bury the very fat. They need square plots and square caskets. It is even more complicated when the deceased is found naked in a supermodel’s home, while his wife is home alone with their child.

It took three firemen to remove Jack Kay from MaryAnn Maxwell’s home. They brought him to the morgue, where there wasn’t a refrigerator large enough to hold him.

That night he started to decompose. Cremate him and toss out the ashes, his widow told an answering machine at the morgue. And so, the next morning, they did.

The Preceding Story was Fiction. It is the conclusion of this story.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

let see something good. this was ridiculous.

5:05 PM  
Blogger AMSHINOVER said...

i loved it

6:58 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

now THIS is character development. Better than those murderous yeshiva jerks. much better.

8:20 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

you shoulda cremated the yeshiva jerks too.

9:59 AM  

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