Tuesday, January 24, 2006

Cheese Man - Part 3

I did not look pretty when I stood in front of Judge Rostenberg for my arraignment. It had been ten days since my last shower, and everyone in the courtroom could sense my presence.

Case #264399, the State of Michigan against Lisa Berger. “Ms. Berger, you have been charged with first degree murder in the death of your husband. How do you plead?”

“Not guilty, your honor.”

“Mr. Prosecutor,” the judge asked, do you have any bail recommendation?

“We request that the state hold Ms. Berger without bail. Her crime was both heinous and deadly. She killed her husband with a Q-Tip because she didn’t like cheese. We have no idea how dangerous this woman could become if she was set free, and ran into someone who served her decaf when she ordered regular.”

“OK then. Ms. Berger, you are hereby sentenced to remain in the custody of the state until the trial. Your heinous and deadly crime with an ordinary household object will not go unpunished in my courtroom.”

“Bailiff, warn the prison staff that she is coming today. I understand they are serving grilled cheese in the prison cafeteria.”

-------

“Ummmm, ohh, Jack, don’t stop. Oh yes. Yes. Oh Jack, oh my god, ummmm, oh Ja – OUCH. YOU BIT ME”

Jack opened his mouth, and stepped away from Sandy’s ear. The small TV in the office was reporting live from the Oakland County Court House that Lisa Berger had been held without bail, for killing her husband with a Q-Tip.

“Did you see that,” Jack asked his secretary. “She killed him with a Q-tip.”

“You almost bit my ear off,” Sandy screamed back.

But Jack continued, not even hearing her. “She went after him in the most vulnerable of places, his ear.”

“It’s bleeding. Are you happy, you broke through the skin.”

“What kind of animal can do that to someone,” Jack asked to no one in particular.

“Are you listening to me, Jack Kay. There are going to be teeth marks on my ear. What am I supposed to tell my boyfriend when he sees that?”

“Call the Oakland County Prosecutor’s office. Tell them Jack Kay wants to come in and put the Ear Whacker in jail for the rest of her life.”

Jack looked over at Sandy. “Did you know your ear was bleeding? You might want to take care of that.

-----

Sandy had easily gotten through to the prosecutor’s office. So far, there had been offers to help in the prosecution from three cheese advocates and one men’s right groups, but Jack was the first ear aficionado to call.

“It’s all so vulnerable. Just tissue and interesting structure, and this woman, this monster, just tore through all that and killed him. I want to be part of the team, Jose. When I went into law, it was to put these monsters away.”

Jack finished his pitch, and waited for the head Oakland County prosecutor, Jose Gomez, to answer.

Jose cleared his throat, and laughed. “I’m sure we can have a place for you on our team, Jack. Welcome aboard.”

An hour later Jose broke out in hysterical laughter.

“Sharon, you gotta see what Jack just sent over.”

Sitting on his desk was a mountain of cheese, with a package of pigs ears on top.

--------

I sat with my court-appointed attorney, Steve Brown. Steve was the only attorney from the pool willing to defend me, and I could tell right away that he had some reservations.

“Are you sure you don’t want to plead guilty, and spare the nation this trial,” he asked.

“I am not guilty. I am being singled out for my dislike of cheese. You have to help me beat this. I can’t spend the rest of my life in prison.”

Steve thought about it, but he had no choice. He was my attorney. Come hell or high water, he was going to stand next to me at trial.

“OK,” he finally said. “Let’s work on our strategery. We are going to need to win over public opinion.” Steve had a big grin on his face.

"Now go take a shower."

-----

With the apartment next door empty, Carol and Yitzi resumed their evening activities.

The preceding story is fiction. Any similarity between characters mentioned, their names, their attributes, or anything about them is merely coincidental.

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6 Comments:

Blogger Krunk said...

This is so insane it's hilarious!

4:28 PM  
Blogger AMSHINOVER said...

whats with you and ears? this is your 2nd ear story?
and your name 'air'?

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